It's funny how things happen.

It's funny how things fix themselves.

It's funny how it all gets better.


There's my wisdom for the night.

wow, I love how I never keep up with this thing anymore.

I'd like to think of myself as a writer still, but I just don't know. It seems like all the people I know of who aspire to write are well, nuts. I didn't wanna go there, but I just feel like everyone going in that direction is like "OOH I WANNA BE THE NEXT STEPHENIE MEYERS OMGGAAAH!"

yeah no. I definitely DO NOT want to be the next her. no. I want to be original. I have my own style and my own ideas. I mean I totally commend her for writing award winning and bestselling books but, a fantasy world is just not my style. Real people. Real things. That's my style.

I've been feeling kinda out of it the last couple of days. Things have been kinda rocky with me and my boyfriend Eric, mostly because of me. Thank you God for PMS so I can be completely angry and cranky for absolutely NO reason at all. Gotta love womanhood, right? WRONG. oh so very very wrong. I feel bad for all those women who are infertile and still have to put up with this monthly blessing. Am I right?

So today, my friend Kaitlin told me that my English teacher is completely pissed off with our Grapes of Wrath Research papers in which we compared to literary time periods, showing which one was stronger. I did Modernism and Realism..Realism being the stronger one, duuh. I worked HOURS on that stupid thing. I felt like it was really good, but she read Phillip's paper..and he is a good writer, and completely annotated it in front of the class saying she read it because she wanted to read something good and that it was horrible. SHE didnt even let us SEE an example. She said that would be cheating....welllll this is what you get Lippincott, sorry to say. Who knows..maybe SHE is the one PMSing at the world right now...or menopausing whatever, and she just thinks they're terrible papers when they are actually awesome and moving. Yeah, that's right I said it.

Maybe now you are sensing my pmsing? or Cmsing? currentmenstral syndrome. welcome to the world of warped views. Ya know, I actually read somewhere that PMS was classified as an actual mental disorder in 1994. So if I murdered someone and said I was PMSing......would I go free? hmmmmmmm....curious.
HAHAHA wooow Wikipedia says there are more than 200 symptoms. And unhappiness has its own scientific term! :dysphoria. Is that like the opposite of Euphoria?

Anyway, back to my boyfriend trouble... I went off on a 3 paragraph distraction there haha. So basically I went to go see Earth the movie with my friends Jesse, his girlfriend Audrey, and Brian. Eric was supposed to come but he said he most likely wouldnt be able to so I assumed he couldnt and we called Brian because Jesse had to have another guy because of Audrey and whatnot. I left my house at 6:30 to get there at 7. ON the way there, my phone died, inabling me to recieve a text saying Eric could come. He was okay when I explained it to him, but I got so, dissapointed in myself because I would have gotten soooo mad had that happened to me. I get anxious when I dont hear from him for a few hours. So I was just apologizing for being impacient with him etc, and he was like "Jeeeez" and was going to say something else but stopped. So I said Fine. I'm going to bed.

So IIIIIIII personally felt as though it was tense, but that could just be me. Whatever, I overreact sometimes.

Well Im already taking my quiz two days late, so I probably should read chapter 2 and 3 of the Great Gatsby. I did read the sparknotes, but I think it's a good read so far, so I'm gonna read it.

Part of me wished I had completely random people who read this who I don't know. That would be kind of awesome. yay.

I keep having these reoccurring nightmares. No matter where I go or do, they follow me. Everywhere I go. Every single dream. It could start out good, but then the two figures show up, and its a nightmare. It's not fair, I just want to be able to sleep I just want to be able to escape the things in my life when I'm awake, by sleeping it away. I read an article about how nightmares show us what unfinished business we have in our awake lives and how it always shows in our subconscious.

What if I can't finish that business?? What if circumstances don't let me finish the business I want so badly to resolve?  Am I going to have these dreams forever?

Am I that desperate? Is it me saying this or  God? I can't tell. It's just because I don't want to know the answer.


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There's something very therapudic about typing gibberish

Maybe I should check and see if I have physics homework....maybe I should start my Scarlet letter study questions....maybe I should practice my song for my audition tomorrow.

Yeah I got my phone taken away today from a substitute in my Theater class.......ugh ugh ugh. GRob honestly doesnt care at all, but the one day we have a sub, I tkae advantage.... stupid me. So basically I dont get it back until tomorrow, and virtually not until Friday.

I guess this gives me moer time to do my homework and reflect and stuff. I mean its kinda weird not having something that is usually like an extention of my arm, but I did without before, and I'm sure I can manage for a few days.

I can read, or pray, or study or relax or whatever without people having to get in contact with me, which is great. I need a reality check that people dont always need to talk to me or want to even.

Wish me broken limbs tomorrow, I'm super nervous about my audition....

EW

so Homecoming was last night. I didn't go. Everyone is wondering why, and I mean seriously, is it that hard to figure out??!

You get all dressed up to spend three hours having sweaty people grind up against you. not my cup of tea.


I'm having one of those days. I just feel like crap. I felt like I spent last night alone, but Bekah was in a bad mood, and it happens to us all, so I'm not blaming her. 

Sometimes I feel like a different person in different places. Just sometimes. Not a lot.

I don't know what I'm saying anymore.


Tomorrow:
Physics exam
Algebra II exam
Portfolio Due (Productions)

It's late. Midsummer ended Saturday. I'm sad that it's over, but I'm glad I'm going to have a lot more free time :]


Well, I guess it's more like "More time to do homework"


whatever, I'll take what I can get

Keep in mind that some of the things I write, I write when I am very ticked off.



It's a journal, it's filled with crap.


People Change, and opinions change.



I'm not sure if you have a life if you regularly keep up with this anyway...

I'm putting off doing my physics review. I should be doing it, but I just don't feel like it. I'm so happy that Physics is my only B! Maybe it's because I never "feel" like doing it hahaha.

 I'm really happy! Mrs. Lippincott really liked my personal narrative! She said with a few tweaks it could work as a college essay, which makes me so happy. yay! I can still love English. I really want to be an English/theater major so, it's good if I can uphold an A in a college level class. :]

Productions kids are at Alamo Cafe tonight :[ Wish I could have gone, but I haven't been home all week and I still feel like I never see my family any more. :/

I made a complete fool of myself to my ex. I have no idea what got into me. It was probably the combination of me being on my period and forgetting to take my Prozac for a few days....not good. Whatever. In the words of Shakespeare "What's done is done." I said sorry, but he probably thinks I'm a complete psycho....hahahahahahahahah I tend to do that a lot. I need to work on that :/

Midsummer opens in a week :O I'm so scared that we aren't going to be ready in time. But GROB is one determined Lady and I have faith in her. I love being involved in the play, but to be honest, life is going to be a lot easier once it's over. I'm not in the next one, so I will have a lot more time for family, friends, homework, chores, church, etc.

I really feel like, despite all the work, and the crap that's already happened, that this is going to be a good year. I learned some valuable lessons. I don't need boys to make me happy. Life doesn't last forever, and sometimes end when it's least expected. And that you should love those you love no matter what. :] I've had a lot of interesting things happen the past few weeks, and It's actually been kind of a blessing because it's shown me
a. The awesome support system I have
b. What I need to work on in my life
c. What life is like with out God
and d. That you honestly don't know what you've got till it's gone.

I'm really excited to have so much more time working on my acting. I really want to become immersed in a character. I want to go to the extremes and be awesome. I know GROB saw something in me. I must be doing something right. I just need to get to that next level of commitment. I hope I can get there, because I think it would be really valuable. When you take on the traits of another person, you learn what you have in common with that person/ what you don't have in common with that person. I think acting really cleanses the soul, because in the long run it just helps you figure out who you are.

I can't wait to see where this year takes me :]

I dont have time to do anything anymore.

AP English is keeping me on my toes homework wise, as well as physics, but all my other classes, besides Productions and those two are a joke. At least it's reletively easy, but Im afraid Im going to get laaaazy :]

A Midsummer Night's Dream is coming along very well, and It opens in a week AAAAAAAAH! Our director yelled at us yesterday because we were hanging out in the green room......oops. I never knew how much time we had between scenes, but I guess I do now....hahaha

Well thinks with Charlie are just awkward now, its almost like he's embarassed that the whole thing happened. I wish he had the guts to say that he is still in love with his ex. I dont care anymore, I just want to know. It's hurting mah feelings, ya know!?

Well I havent done my history homework (JOKE CLASS , I have a 100...). So I guess I'll be doing it in the next 10 minutes.

I so much homework this weekend......
-SAT Folder
-literary time periods research paper
-Algebra II book pages
-physics test review
-More history
-theatre portfolio due Oct. 16th....aaaah.




Wish me luck. It's gonna be a long weekend.



PS- Im going to go eat sushi with some friends tonight because I have no rehearsal! woo hoo! too bad I dont even like sushi....haha

well a lot has happened. I got to date my dream guy/hang out with him over the course of 2 weeks or so. Then it ended. How's that for a summer fling. It's depressing though, I really wanted it to work out. I've liked him for 3 years now


what ever will be will be

Wow, its been over a month since I last updated. Like anyone reads this anyway, but I felt like I made an obligation when I made my new livejournal, and I plan on sticking to it. 
     Productions camp/workshop/whatever started on monday. Its been interesting. We've learned everything from ballet to modern dance. I must say though, after being there a week, non of the seniors are as friendly as I though they were going to be. They sort of got removed from their pedastools now that Ive actually been around them. I have to understand that theyre just people, and above that, my competition. 
    I got a new journal, I love that feeling. I love starting out fresh in a blank book filled with my words and my words only. well I think Im going to go write in it now and then read some more of A Farewell to Arms.

More Later

      I just got back from Youth Conference, a three day service project for the youth. I cannot even begin to express how thankful I am that I went to this. It is traditional that I go every year, but earlier this week I wasnt feeling happy let alone spiritual, but Youth Conference really changed my view of that. It reminded me of why I converted to the church in the first place: The people. No one ever knows what it is, but there is just something different about the Mormon Youth. We have a light, a glow about us. We shine with happiness and willingness to serve, and people can recognize that we are different in a great and amazing way. It is so renewing to spend just three days with people who believe in the exact things that I do. In the enviroment, there is no swearing, no bad music, no vulgar subjects, its just clean. A cleanliness that cannot be described, like the cleanliness I felt when I got baptized. 
     I proved my faith to Heavenly Father and myself. In testimony meeting, not only did I bear my testimony, but I went first. If that would have been a year ago, I wouldnt have even born my testimony, and the thought of going first seemed impossible and so scary. But then again, it isnt scary, because I know in my heart that almost all of the people sitting in that  chapel, listening to me, felt the same way; had the same great love for the Lord and Christ as I did. 
    I learned in one of my classes today that every time you bear your testimony, it grows stronger. Thats why missionaries hearts are so full and amazing when they are teaching. It amazed me howw confident they could be in sharing so near in dear to them to complete, non believing strangers. But now I know why. It makes you grow spiritually. I wanted to go on a mission when I first got baptized, and since then I doubted it, but these past few days have shown me that I want to do the amazing for someone that a missionary had the courage to do for me which was to teach me and share with me their beliefs. I didnt understand it at first, I didnt know why I got myself into the lessons, but I knew it was right, and so did Heavenly Father. Im where I am supposed to be and I know everything happens for a reason.
       Also today, one of my friends in the young mens program got baptized. It made me so happy because when he came to his first Sunday school lesson, I was there, and I remember how he was saying how he was unsure and now he is baptized and tomorrow he is getting the wonderful and amazing gift of the Holy Ghost so he may recieve personal revelation to guide him and to help lead him on the straight and narrow path. 

This experience has changed me, and I refuse to change myself for anyone anymore. The only people I will change for are God and his son Jesus Christ. I am amazed at the power that the Lord has rushed into me. I feel new again, I feel bright, and I feel fresh.

Follow his path and dont stray. Please, he is here for you every second and he does answer prayers....
all you have to do is listen.


Thank you God. 

So today is the first day of Summer Vacation, and I'm pretty bored already. It's normal for me though. I'm such a busy body that I have to be doing something all the time to stay sane. That's why I wish I had a job. Not because I'll like it, but because I need something to do to keep me busy. So for now, I've been reading and just relaxing. Fixing up the house for my Mom so she wont feel so swamped. I've been doing laundry too, just to keep me busy.  I started Lock and Key by Sarah Dessen, and so far it seems very different than what she usually writes. Hopefully I can get one of my parents to take me to B&N to get The Host, the new Stephanie Meyer book. It's more sci fi than I usually go for, but after reading some Ray Bradbury this year, I'm interested in trying something new.
         DREAM LAST NIGHT: There was my family and I, only it wasnt my actual family, they were my dream family. We were living in an abandoned house somewhere out in the country. The house was yellow, and huge, like something from a story. Only the yellow paint was faded, making it look like the happiness was gone from the house. It was really dark and stormy looking. there was tall grass everywhere.I think there had been little tornadoes coming through because everything was messed up. The windows were broken and we had no food or power. But we still had a car. We drove out to a shopping center where there seemed to be a lot of people gathering, probably to get food and supplies. But I think we had some valubles in the trunk like  my dad's wallet and a knife is what I remember and I opened it and waited for my dad to come around to get our stuff out there when people start taking stuff out of the trunk. I yell "Dad! Dad! They're taking our stuff!" And my dad chases down the people who took his stuff--first a man. Then the one I remember vividyly was a sickly thin, young, brown haired woman who had taken my Dad's wallet and knife. My dad yelled "Why did you take my wallet and knife?! Why did you take from us the only things we have left!?" ANd I was so worked up I had tears in my eyes and I grabbed the stuff from her hands and I yelled "YOU STUPID BITCH! YOU STUPID IDIOT BITCH!"  My dad pulled me away and the next thing that came were gunshots. Aparently this woman was protected by a gang or something, because people were shooting me, but somehow they kept missing me. They flew near my head, and I tried to hide behind the other cars that were in the lot, but they were still shooting through them. I didnt know where my dad was at all. I remember running into a convienence store, that had been hit by the tornadoe so it was all messed up too, but there was still man working man. An old, scary looking man watching me. The shots still followed me and I ran into the bathroom and just looked at myself in the mirror. I was a sight to see. The next tihng I know I am back at the house in the middle of nowhere with my family and a few other people who came in to take cover and we all waited for the next tornadoe to come and destroy everything.
     

 Today is the 2 year anniversary of my baptism to Mormonism.


I'm not sure how meaningful it is to me. 


I feel empty.

So basically I am being a HUGE procrastinator right now. I hate hate hate having homeowrk on the weekends. Especially when there is only like 3 weeks of school left. Why give us a project if you KNOW we are going to half ass it.  
Blegh I am feeling so stressed right now. My freaking history grade is a 79!! WTF?!?!? And he wont give me extra credit..... :[


I am hating life just for the next few hours. 

 I MADE PRODUCTIONSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

:D

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEee